The Hidden Purpose of Limerence
Number Seven in the Wild of Brain Definition Series
Perseveration and limerence are not unique to neurodivergent folks but they are commonly experienced in neurodivergent communities. I think of both as part and parcel of autism. #notallautistics of course.
I’ve noticed that trauma or PTSD seems to increase a person’s likelihood of experiencing looping thoughts and limerence as a defining feature of their life. Just knowing WHAT the traits are when you’re experiencing them, that it is a ‘thing,’ helps.
Limerence = an involuntary obsession with another person.
With limerence, romantic attraction to a person becomes obsessive and the desire for that person’s attention and validation becomes overwhelming. A sort of one-sided special interest. Usually romantic and unrequited, limerence is an intense experience with heightened emotion and is characterised by perseveration, repetitive and/or intrusive thoughts and internal fantasy life focussed around the ‘limerent object’ (person). I think of it as a kind of maladaptive daydreaming -except limerence can be extremely distressing. It helps be able to name what you’re experiencing.
Limerence can feel like an intense teen crush, but happens anytime through life.
It can mean daydreaming about the object of desire to the point of being disruptive to daily life. Kind of the dark side of monotropism, on overdrive.
Limerence is a kind of fantastical escape and has nothing to do with the person obsessed about. The attraction is not usually acted upon, remaining a private obsession. Which is not to say that the person obsessed about doesn’t feel it! Limerence is not based on reality but a fantastical ideation of the person. The human source of attraction might be completely unaware of the limerence or can feel intensely awkward around the person fixated on them but not understand why.
Asking what purpose the limerence is serving can be helpful:
-Sometimes the limerence provides a much-needed chunk of monotropic interest.
-Or offers an escape from an overwhelming reality.
-Or the limerence can be a safe way to role play intimate connection when the real life prospect of it is just this side of terrifying.
Looking at it through these lenses, limerence can have a healthy purpose as a kind of stepping stone of social learning. It can have an important purpose, in my opinion at least -the person experiencing limerence is fully in control, in a world where they might feel powerless. Having trusted people to share what’s going on for you is helpful. Hearing trusted feedback and having support helps folks feel more grounded in reality. The debilitating looping of limerence doesn’t do well out of the shadows so speaking it out loud is good.
Before we get to our links and resources section, it’s the last call for the Winter Wild of Brain Neurodivergent One Day Retreat this coming Sunday, the 24th August in Piha, Tamaki Makaurau (Auckland, NZ). It’s from 11-4. Seasonal homemade food and snacks included. Small group. Sliding scale. Participate as much or as little as you like. I offer connection calls to help bridge in. Holler if you want to join us. For those further away, the online version goes live in the Southern Hemisphere Spring.
Related links to learn from, made me think or that lit me up
As always, I like to highlight other neurodivergent content creators and educators sharing their lived experience:
Limerence in the Stimpunks Glossary -one of my favourite places on the ND-flavoured internet.
Map of Monotropic Experiences: Reframing Autism through a Neurodiversity Affirming Lens. Including the ‘Lake of Limerence.’ A FREE open source training resource developed by Helen from Autistic Realms & Ryan, Norah and Chelsea from Stimpunks. Love it when the good people collab!
Limerence, love and neurodivergent women on the Psychology Today blog.
Rabbi Shoshana on autistic limerence and the risks of person being a special interest.
A lived experience explainer of limerence
What if the obsessive thrill of limerence isn’t a flaw but a window into the depths of self love?
ADDitude magazine on ADHD, limerence and falling in love quickly.
Mind over Matter with Emma talks about limerence and ADHD
Go gently out there y’all.
Big love from me,
Ax
